Date Night

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It’s been a long time since we’ve gone out. It was a simple thing. Dinner and Drinks and a change of atmosphere. It was fun and definitely took off some of the edge and pressure dealing with working out things between us.

Missing the future… 

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Everything  I look at today, reminds me of some time or some thing we share. 

Moments of laughter, moments of pain, all this moments good. 

Realizing that all of our dreams are no longer on the drawing board to become reality. 

That hurts me the most. To think of all those things we were doing, going to do and share together. It’s like someone went through time and snatched our reality and all I can see are the faded memories of times that haven’t even happened.

Who knew it was possible to miss the future. 

The only reason you didn’t die today..

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​I give enough fucks about my kids and myself to not go to jail.

I still want to live my life even on the days it seems so dark and hopeless. You can look at me and say “I am done with you, I can’t do it.”

Why? I love you, i have loved you since the day I first laid eyes on you, you have children that love you.

You say “ I will just die.”

Die then. Give it up. Believe that I haven’t ever loved you. 

If I was just a little more insane a little more crazy, if I didn’t have anyone to think of except me, I would have killed you today, then killed myself.
I am done giving you the best of me, I am done letting you fuck my heart and my soul. I am done letting you play me. I am so done of being broken again and again. I am tired of believing in you.
I hope and pray that one day you’ll change. I hope and pray that one day all those promises you made you can keep. 
I had hoped I would be the one to spend your life with you, but I guess it wasn’t time or maybe it will never be.
Maybe when you do get there in life, whoever you choose, will be the luckiest woman alive.
I hope that you never forget the pain you’ve caused me and the women before me.
I hope that what you have done comes back to haunt you, in your happiest moments I hope you my pain creeps into your light and reminds you how much it hurts.
Go to hell you son of the devil, go back to the father that birthed your soul. You’re the definition of a demon in disguise.
My light is gone, my hope and faith so hopelessly lost. I have you to thank.
Maybe with prayer, love, and determination, maybe my faith in humanity will be restored, maybe I’ll believe in love again.
Fuck love, fuck the fairy tails, fuck the promises, 
Fuck the drugs that have turned the best of people into the vilest of men.
Fuck them for the homes and lives they have destroyed.

Most of all Fuck you for giving up. 
You almost made me give up.
You nearly broke me. 
I refuse to let you have the satisfaction of destroying another woman’s soul.

9/7/2016

How did we end up here? Again? 

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​This isn’t the first time I haven’t heard from you for days at a time. I have no clue where you are but I do at the same time. I wonder if you are ok I wonder if you’re wondering about me. I wonder if you realize that I am about to loose my mind. You’re my whole world , but yet you don’t seem to know that. I think you do sometimes. I think that you do see you’re my life, and that’s to much for you to know. Maybe we were meant for each other or maybe we are poisonous together. I have never felt anything as strong as the emotions and feelings for you and with you in my life. I always felt so dead inside. With you even when you hurt me it was ok because at least I could feel it I had a reaction. When you loved me it was like nothing in the world could touch me, you built me up to tear me down .. everyday it’s some sick kind of game we play. Your love your touch your voice makes me crave you like a drug. I hate you for loving me then leaving me. How can you be so cruel? Who plays with people’s souls like that. I hate myself for still loving you, I need you but I don’t. I don’t know how to feel. I want to scream! I want to cry but no I can’t I can’t be that weak.. or is it weak that I can’t cry? 

What is right and what is wrong when it comes to us? Is there even an us anymore? I don’t know why we’re here or where we will go or be. 

Today I feel lost, today I feel numb, today I feel empty, today I managed to get some words out of my soul, today I am trying, today I am all over the place, today I want to give up, today I want to hurt myself to make the hurt go away, today I want to tell you that you’re evil, today I want to kiss you and touch your beautiful face, today I want to just be with you, today I want to go back and never meet you, today I am all over the place, 
Today I am back where I was but so far away from where I stared.

Who am I today? 

Who will I become ?
I just wanted to be loved I just wanted to love you I just wanted flower crowns and walks in the woods, love and laughter kisses and whispers of undying love believing in dreams and of holding hands when we were old and gray to watch our children grow up and be human . I just want to be yours forever. I want to be your world like you are mine.. 

Let me love you.
9/5/2016

I am Bipolar. I miss some of those parts of myself.

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​There are some days , I miss my manic episodes, I love how I felt, so excited about everything had the endless energy to start everything I could think of. Then I have to remember that, my mania was lovely while it lasted ,the other side of the coin is the “lows”. Depression anxiety,and hopelessness. When I hit the lows. It didn’t just affect me it affected my family. Being Bipolar , is a daily battle. Thankful found a doctor that actually listened to what I had to say. I hate feeling like I am dependent on medication, but a year later, I know and Feel the difference. The medication does not cure it, it just helps stabilize your mind. Sometimes feeling “normal” makes me sad, but I know it’s for the best. I still struggle from time to time. Day to day. So many peopdont understand mental illnesses, there are people that have legit illness,not just normal mood swings, nervousness, etc.
Days like this,even medicated, it takes so much to keep myself on a balanced. No one really understands. 

Just out of bed , with too many thoughts.